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How to Fart at a Party (And Get Away With It)

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We’ve all been there. You’re at a party, snacking and drinking when the farts hit. Hard. Leaving isn’t an option. Lucky for you, we’re fart pros and we’re going to give you the tools to succeed in the harshest environments. Below, we give you 7 Techniques to show you How to Fart at a Party and (hopefully) Get Away With It.

Location

The foundation of every good strategy. Success in business hinges on location and so does you reputation as a normal party goer. This section may have you saying “duh.” But it’s mastery can get you out of most tough binds.

 

  • Outdoors - Get outside. Especially if what you’re dropping can make the dog barf. You need ventilation and you need it quick. Use nature to your advantage. Areas outside the party have more air circulation and allow for more space between people. Both strategic advantages. Once you successfully make it outside, start looking for other advantageous positions: Low population and favorable wind conditions.
  • Escape The Crowd - If you’re stuck inside, sometimes its possible to find refuge areas with few to no people. Dipping into an empty room to clap the screen door is a great strategy. You can also move to an unpopulated corner for a sec before moving on.
    • Tips - Be aware of crowd movement. You don’t want to scorch a section of a room while someone is moving in. Also, as the population of an area decreases, the probability of detection increases. (There's fewer people to blame)
  • Wind - If you learn how to fart with the wind, you can drop stink babies all night long. Position yourself down wind (the wind blowing your fart away from the party.) You fart and the wind carries it away into the night.
    • Some things to watch out for: wind shifts, fart whirls (circular wind) sudden wind stoppage. Any of these phenomenons can get you busted. Also, be aware of targets down range. Your stink can carry further than you think. 

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Crop Dusting - AKA: Going Mobile

The oldest trick in the book. This technique has been perfected by old  guys at the grocery store for decades. Fart and move. When applied correctly, you can blanket the entire party without detection. Some important principles: 
    • Stealth - If you’re motorboating around, you’re gonna get busted. Control that B Hole and keep it quiet. 
    • Keep Moving - Walk and talk. You have to stay mobile, especially if you just ripped one. 
    • Know Your Escape Time -  The time it takes your fart to clear your pants. This comes from experience but here are a couple rules of thumb.
      • Dresses, skirts and shorts have the quickest escape time.
      • Jeans and tucked in shirts have the longest.
    • Nothing is worse than thinking you’re clear and rolling into a conversation with a rotten cabbage lurking in your pants.

      The Blame Game

      Post up next to someone or something you can blame. Good targets include:
        • Drunk Guy on the Couch (DGotC) - “This guy’s gonna shit your couch, bro!” He’s hammered and defenseless. Also, he isn’t going to mind your gas babies.
        • The Dog - “Y’all better stop feeding him! He’s cute but he stinks!” 
        • The Garbage Can - “What the hell is in this thing?”
        • Dangers:
          1. The Hammered Drunk Girl (HDG)- She’s drunk and she’s loud. One whiff of your hot farts and she’s gonna out you. Avoid her at all costs.
          2. Your SO - They know that smell, and they know it’s you! Use positioning to your advantage. 

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        Safety in Numbers

          More bodies means more people to blame!
          • Work The Crowd - Use a crowd to your advantage. You can usually crack out a couple in a large group before someone speaks up, BUT you need to:
          • Make the Rounds -  We’re looking to minimize the exposure time to individuals. Transition from indoors to outdoors and apply some of the previous techniques to increase your chances of success. The larger the crowd, the easier your task will be.

            The Slow Leak

            This is a technique for veterans who know how to fart in a group setting.  The intent of the slow leak is to release slowly to minimize the impact.
              • Control that Black Hole - We’re looking to avoid the “wall” of stink. The trick is to temper the release without clenching too hard and making a noise. “Brrrrrrrrrrrp.”
              • Move - Movement is a pretty common theme. Get out there and spread that slow gas leak around. Make the Rounds, get outside, and pick a good target to blame!

                Denial

                It’s a bold move, but sometimes it pays off. If you are going to deny, consider this:
                  • You get One Shot -  If the crowd isn’t buying it, don’t double down on your denial. Move directly to #7 or you’ll look like a turd.

                    Own it

                    You’re up against a wall. Something's gone wrong. You farted too hard or it stinks too bad. Either way, there's only one way out. Own in and laugh. It’s better to laugh it off than go full denial and look like an asshole. Everybody farts!
                      So there you go. These techniques are easy to implement but difficult to master. Only the most diligent will learn how to fart with the best; but we believe in you. Stay strong. Fart hard and never give up on your dreams!
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                      Photo by Nicole De Khors from Burst
                      Dutch Oven Kits How to Fart at A Party Life Advice

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